The results of the blood test I took came back (well actually it came back a few weeks ago but I'm just not into sharing at the time) and everything came back negative, except for one (but they said that one is unlikely because we had Azalia). So that means there's nothing wrong with my blood that causes the miscarriages.
How do I feel(at the time)?
To be honest, I felt worse. Why? Because if there was something wrong then I would know how to fix it but since there's nothing wrong.. and nothing to explain the miscarriages I'm left with the unknown and that sucks. I should be thankful I know but I so badly want a reason to why everything happened the way it happened that I can't be grateful that everything's fine. This just makes me more hesitant to get pregnant because.... I seriously DO NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER ANYMORE. But I do want another child. So how??
The other day Azalia said she wants adik. and she asked me
"Mak.. kenapa adik lari mak. Kenapa adik takde dalam perut mak?"
Heartbreaking innit. I just said that God loves adik more and they are with Him and not with us. One day insyaAllah you'll have a sister or a brother. If not you'll always have me... InsyaAllah.
But the truth is I no longer picture myself with another child. I think that maybe it's not meant for me. Call me pessimistic but I just have that feeling.
I told Azalia that I'll be one clingy mother because she's the only daughter that I have. So beware future Azalia's husband because her mother will always be with her..hehehehe.
Anyhoo... I'm late last month and I checked and it was negative and I was relieved because having had 3 miscarriages I no longer look forward to being pregnant. I want to be pregnant and I want more kids but those miscarriages have taken away the joy of being pregnant and finding out that I am pregnant. We're won't stop trying because.. we're only 27. BUT.. I know that deep down I am hesitant because like I said.. I'm scared. And thats the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me GOD!!. I guess Allah knows best and it's best that I put my faith in him. But that doesn't stop me from feeling the way I am feeling.