September

Turning 30 this month. Wow..30. Next is 40. Aren't I suppose to feel all adult an matured by now?

How I wore the hijab.

It took me a while for me to don the hijab. For me it was more than simply covering my hair. It was more about me being easily identified as a muslim and I felt, that was a huge responsibility to carry. Any mistakes that I would make would be associated with my beloved religion and I was scared of that fact because I am far from perfect.

But I prayed for strength and guidance and it came when one day I attended a motivation camp and the religious teacher said something that guided me to my decision. He said the hijab will make you a better muslim because everytime you wear it, you are reminded that you are a muslim and you should do what a muslim does. We are humans and we easily forget. With the hijab.. We remember. So i am far for perfect and I will still make mistakes because I am human. But with the hijab..I will remember that I am a muslim and I have a responsibility to my religion.

Morning tantrums.

I do not like the days when both kids decides to throw a tantrum in the morning. NOT a good start to the day.

Today is one of those days...

In the LRT and feeling angry.

Morning fun..... NOT!!'

Kids decided to wake up at 3am this morning and have some fun.

Not fun for me of course. Thought if i pretended to sleep they would go back to sleep. Didnt happen. Instead one kept on kicking me and the other laughs uncontrollably everytime he does it. Should have just woke up an studied. Instead of struggling with them to make them go back to sleep. But azalia has her first test so she should be sleeping or else she would be cranky and wont want to go to school. So i warned her if she wake up crying i'm having none of it.

She woke up happy alhamdulillah.

But she also woke up with a nosebleed. Lost count how many nosebleeds she's had.

I need to stop worrying.

It's been awhile.

Wow it's been awhile since I've written anything here.

I did write.

But somehow I can't finish what I've started.

My mind seems to go on and on and on lately and its tiring. Physically and mentally.

A lot has been happening. Although if you ask me to jot them down, it doesn't really seem that many. But somehow I find myself getting busy during the day and by night time I'm flat.

That reminds me.. I have been rather lethargic lately. I think its all the binging I've been doing. Yes.. to control my outbursts I've been eating... a lot. Somehow when I'm angry, I get hungry and when I'm hungry I'm angry... it's a vicious cycle.. hence food is where I find my comfort.

Yup... this resulted in me putting on weight and I can feel my thighs brushing against each other.. a sign that I've put on that extra weight. Ahhh the 'joy' of being a pear shaped individual.

Ok.. see.. I'm rambling again.

Kids have been on and off fever and diarhea. One week is the most we've had with two healthy kids, and then the cycle starts again.First its Azalia, then its Arfan etc. Azalia has been missing school... a lot..mainly due to her asthma. I've got to get that under control before she enters primary school.  Arfan was even admitted to the hospital for a whole week due to bronchitis. It was a scary ordeal because his oxygen level dropped suddenly and he was very weak. He had tubes up his nose, in his hands...and it was just heart breaking. He wasn't even smiling at me at all. He just stared at me like he doesn't love me (ok drama queen mode was on at the time) and slept... he slept the whole 2 days. And barely had food or milk. But the moment he got his energy back he was my happy smiley baby again and it was a HUGE relief.

Arfan is 1 last March and is developing his own character. He is one funny boy. And patient. My boy is patient. Alhamdulillah. Although when it comes to milk and food he can get very angry. Guess he got that from me? Haha.

Azalia on the other hand has been a challenge. I pray everyday now that I have the patience to be her mother and also that she becomes an excellent muslimah. Most of the time she's great. She would help me out, cheer me up,  but there are times when she gives me a hard time. She's also been spending too much time on the Ipad. But I know I can easily get her off it if I just do some activities with her.. but again.. I can't seem to find the time.

Exam is around the corner and I'm barely studying. For real. I don't know how I'm going to pass. All I know is I have to because I can't spend more time doing this. I really can't. The kids need me. Heck, their father needs me. And why am I doing this again? Oh ya.. because I want to and I want to finish it. Its my thing.

So... I suppose I'll stop here for now. Till I don't know when.

Planning, organising and sticking to a routine.

So one way of dealing with the mess that I'm facing each day is to plan, organise and establishing a routine. But it only works if people actually follow my plan and organisation.

The thing is, you can't make an adult follow your habits because they have their own. Kids on the other hand can be moulded any way you want as long as you have lots and lots of patience.

So i gave up in making the husband follow my way because he has his own way and it works for him so fine. Better give up then feeling all stressed up about it.

Back to the planning and organising. It works most days but on days when everything goes haywire there's no more sticking to d plan and your routine goes out the window and it takes awhile for you to get back into it

Sigh.

But lets just focus on how it could work. Most days.

So the plan.

Get up before the baby's up which is 5am. Clean, pump, do whatever it is that I have to that I can't do if he's awake.

Pack nursery stuff and school stuff preferable the night before. If not possible, do it first thing in the morning.

Iron everyone's clothes on weekend. Uniforms, work shirts, baju kurungs, etc.

Do laundry early saturday morning so that it will dry and can fold either the day itself or Sunday. Somedays I'm lucky that mom does it. So a big hug there.

Get a rice cooker with Porridge function. Easier because due to Arfan's intolerance towards cow's milk I prefer sending home cooked meals to his nursery. Plus haven't had such luck with slow cooker.

Try getting everyone to sit down TOGETHER during the dinner time. Saves time.

TBC





P.s: no one suggest getting a maid to me pls because that is not an option and will not be an option anytime soon. Plus that comes with a whole set of other problems if I'm unlucky so no thanks.

My thoughts

Nowadays the only alone time i have with my thoughts are in the lrt, on my way to and from work.

Most days, I'd list down my to do list for the day, reflect on what i should or shouldn't have done and or just take a huge breather and blank because sometimes one needs a blank to recollect themselves.

Yes. Life with two kids is a whole lot of chaos. I start running around early in the morning and only get some rest when they are asleep. I'm lucky if they are asleep at the same time and I didnt fall asleep with them so that I can actually do some chores around the house which I have been neglecting nowadays.

Most days I feel calmer at work than at home. You see, at work, your boss gives you something to do, leave you alone to do it. At home you are constantly interrupted to complete whatever it is that you're supposed to do and have to be constantly vigilant with what they are up to. Its like trying to be a hawk and an ant at the sametime ( get it, hawk=vigilant, ant=busy... Ok i should work on that)

Don't get me wrong, I love, Super love spending time with my kids, but most times i find myself not doing that at home, there's the bottles and plates to be washed, laundry to be done, toys to be cleared, ironing, getting ready for school and nursery stuff, etc. And I'm left with little amount of time, especially on a weekday, to just really be with them.

Somedays i let everything go and just do whatever it is they want to do for the day, and forget about all the chores. But I feel judged for letting my family live in a mess. For not keeping whatever space that i have in the house in order.

So what is it that i want

I want to be able to hear every little thing my little chatterbox have to say about her day, herself, without me thinking there's some mess i have to clean up.

I want to be able to play with my baby before he grows up to be a toddler.

I want to sit down together with my kids without any electronic devises and have a good meal. Everyday.

I want the house cleaned, laundry done, utensils washed and cook and bake.

This is what i want, and i'm working towards getting it.

All the best to me.

Everything's fine and dandy

Read my last post and I thought people who read it must have think I've gone mad.. haha. 

I haven't.... yet. 

It was just something I needed at the time. To rant... so that I won't go all crazy on the people closest to me because lets face it... some of us do need to let it all out there once in a awhile. 

Anywaaayyyy... things have been fine or rather normal ever since then. I was right... it was the hormones. 

After the first few days of my menses, I felt better again. Also it helped that I had a few outings with good friends doing things without the kids a.k.a some 'me' time. This wouldn't be possible without an understanding husband who's willing to watch the kids while I'm away. He even succeeded in bringing the two to a wedding while I celebrated a friend's birthday and watched the awesomest movie of the year. So I came back to a hungry but well rested baby and a sugar high child, but who cares. They were alive and kicking and they had a great time with their father. 

Swamped.... to the point of not wanting to do anything.

Have you ever had this feeling of having so many things to do to the point of you don't feel like doing anything because WHERE DO I START????

I've been feeling this way since.. a few months back.

And today, I look around me and I see mess. A WHOLE LOT OF MESS. We've been living in a mess because I can't seem to clean it all up. And even I did, it only takes less than an hour for the kids (and their father) to make a mess again.

And I'm just not bothered anymore because apparently I'm the only bothered about it so FINE... I'm leaving it as it is.

And then there's the whole being a mother, wife and an employee thing. It doesn't stop. IT DOESN'T.

That is why I think people who says they can do it all are actually doing it all WITH A LOT OF HELP!!! or at least DECENT HELP.

And by help I mean HELP AT HOME.

Because seriously if you have to think about the kids all the time you can't be focusing on your work that much are you.

So let's be honest and just say you got help and not say I'm doing it all ON MY OWN. Because paying someone to do something that you're supposed to do IS NOT DOING IT ON MY OWN. Yes you pay people from your own pocket but YOU'RE NOT DOING IT ON YOUR OWN.

I'm not aiming at anyone in particular.. seriously I'm not. I don't even have a name in my head to aim this to because I'm just telling myself this because.. I realise that I can't do this on my own. Not without help. Because how am I suppose to leave the kids if no one is there to cook for them. How am I suppose to leave the kids if their logistics are not sorted. How am I supposed to leave the kids if no one is around to TAKE CARE OF THEM.

So yeah.. I need help. And right now I have my parents and my husband but only during weekdays because most weekends I'm on my own. Husband's around but NOT every weekend.

Ok I'm complaining and apparently you can't complain because YOU'RE A MOTHER but I don't care because its my first day of my menses and I'm going to blame whatever it is that I'm feeling today on my hormones.. That's right. I'm a woman and I GOT HORMONES that I can blame everything to. DAMN YOU FREAKING HORMONES.

sigh.

The end. Now where's that panadol. Stupid cramps.

p.s: the baby is safe with his father far away from his mommy who's not at the right frame of mind.

And I got a bunch of files I brought home from work which I have to get to because its due Monday but I DON'T WANT TO DO!! and my 5 year old daughter is complaining that I don't spend enough time with her.

Milk allergy

When Arfan was arnd 6 months and we started experimenting with solids, we discovered that he was allergic to cow's and goat's milk. After one teaspoon of milk, almost immediately his face are covered with rashes and looks swollen. After eliminating everything that contains milk from his diet his eczema improved dramatically and he barely has break outs.

Although he's still mainly on EBMs but my supply can no longer cope with his demand and his frozen stocks are finished too so we supplemented with soymilk. And then there's also the issue of feeding him solids. I've completely stopped giving him store bought cereals because even the ones with no milk have traces of milk so can't give him that. I've been making him porridge twice a week and freeze them and send it to his nursery on a daily basis. This works out well since I don't have to prepare his food on a daily basis, its cheap, healthy and he seems to love them.

However I'm running out of ideas on what to put into his porridge. Maybe i should add pasta to his food intake and see if he likes them.

Been browsing annabelkarmel's site for ideas since there's not much local baby recipes around. Definitely am more motivated to cook for arfan since he has a good appetite compared to his older sister.